Waiting for the Dark
- Wendy Norris
- Feb 23, 2021
- 5 min read
Waiting for the Dark
Darkness is all around me; thick, impenetrable darkness is everywhere. Job 23:17
For several days, multiple times a day, I had sat on Zoom calls with the National Weather Service and our local emergency managers, listening to the updates on an impending winter storm that would be bearing down on the State of Texas. The weather experts knew that this arctic blast would make it all the way down to the Gulf of Mexico, but their confidence was low on just how powerful this storm would be and the impact it would have on our region.
As the days rolled on, it became clearer on the strength of the system moving in. We were to expect freezing weather for several days, which is very rare for the Houston and Galveston areas. We talked about potential power outages. We discussed emergency messaging to the public, and we planned our emergency responses once the bad weather hit. I looked carefully at the radar pictures and the maps that the weathermen shared on the screen and I had to refocus my eyes several times in order for my mind to process what I was seeing. Temperatures in the single digits were making a bee-line straight towards us and those temperatures planned on staying for a couple of days. My heartrate quickened a bit as I thought about the impending power outages and what that would look like once dark of night appeared.
The next day, a low-level buzz of anxiety and concerned followed me as we drove around on the fire engines making our normal 911 emergency responses. The temperature was dropping fast and I knew at some point, most likely sometime in the night, we would experience power outages and frigid temperatures without heat. I imagined the 911 calls for help would shoot through the roof and we would be trudging through this terrible weather to provide help however we could. I peered through the back window of the fire truck and made eye contact with an elderly man that was covering his plants with a sheet. I looked away and I could feel my heartrate rise up again as I thought about waiting for the darkness to come. Little did I know what the darkness was about to bring.
an·tic·i·pa·tion – the action of anticipating something; expectation or prediction.
Waiting for the darkness to come reminded me of what anticipatory grief feels like. Anticipatory grief refers to the feeling or experiencing of grief occurring before an impending loss. This type of grief is usually experienced by caregivers and loved ones of an individual who is in the dying process. They know that death is coming but the exact time or date is unknown, so they wait and grieve for the coming loss. Anticipatory grief can also refer to other losses such as an impending divorce, a surgery to remove a body part such as a mastectomy, or the loss of a home due to foreclosure. Any type of event or situation that will end with a loss of some sort can cause this type of grief.
Anticipatory grief is like waiting for the darkness to arrive. It’s looming in the distance. You know it’s coming. It will bring with it all kinds of difficult emotions and deep heartache, but you have no idea when it will finally show up on your doorstep. In those fleeting last moments, we try to cling so hard to the person, or object, or experience, or thing we are about to lose that we end up feeling deeply exhausted and worn out. Often there are feelings of intense fear and suspense. There are also times when feelings of hurt and hope intertwine together and cause confusion. And the complexity of the emotions that are felt can sometimes bring shame or guilt. We repeat this cycle of difficult and complex feelings day after day until finally, we stand face to face with what we feared…the darkness of loss. We don’t know whether to feel devastated or relieved.
How to Cope with Impending Loss
Long, drawn-out endings can be draining. They can also be confusing because we aren’t sure if what we are feeling is right or wrong. It feels as if every move we make hinges on whether the choices we make in trying to find peace with the impending loss are the right ones. Anticipatory grief is complicated but the coping mechanisms for this type of grief is very similar to the coping mechanisms for other forms of grief. Here are some of my suggestions:
Educate yourself. Learn everything you can about the loss that you are facing. What does that type of loss look like as the end comes nearer and nearer? Try to educate yourself on the signs and symptoms that dying presents. Learn how to prepare for the loss of a home, a marriage, a child, a prized possession, or (fill in the blank). And then research what types of support systems and structures are available to you once the loss becomes reality. There are a vast amount of resources, support groups, and assistance that are readily available to help individuals deal with all types of losses.
Build your support system early. Whether your support system is a therapist, a pastor, a spiritual director, or a coach that specializes in grief, meeting regularly through the waiting period will help alleviate some of the stress and anxiety that comes with the anticipation of loss. Having that support system in place before a loss ensures that once the loss does occur, you have already started processing your grief and can transition more smoothly into handling the things that need to be planned and dealt with to start rebuilding a “new normal.”
Make meaningful memories. Whether it’s taking precious time with your loved ones and making those moments extra special; or creating positive memories with the thing that you will be losing, it is important to imprint these types of memories into your brain. Having these moments to look back on as you grieve will allow you to be more resilient.
Acknowledge and accept your feelings. It’s absolutely okay to feel hurt and hope at the same time. It’s normal to feel moments of anger or frustration with the loved one that is dying. It’s fine to be very sad one minute and joyful the next. Grief is good at throwing confusing fast-balls of emotion at the unsuspecting person. When you accept that your feelings are common, you will find that you are more readily able to give yourself and others grace. If you get to the point where you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions, don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
You light a lamp for me. The LORD, my God, lights up my darkness. Psalms 18:28
The darkness did come. That night, as the storm blew through, we lost more than what we had anticipated. We lost power. We lost water. We lost cell-phone signal and WiFi. We even lost our 911 dispatch system at one point. The darkness ushered in a devastating weather system that collapsed an entire city’s infrastructure for days. The loss was so swift and so hard it left us breathless. But, we had to keep going. We didn’t have a choice. There were fires to fight and medical emergencies we had to attend to. There were calls for help that we had to answer.
It felt like grief. Swift, shocking, devastating, and tiring, but you have to keep moving through life’s demands.
The sun will rise. The daylight will come. We will assess the damage and start the process of mending broken hearts, broken homes, broken pieces. We will pick up those pieces and start rebuilding our life. One step at a time. One day at a time.
留言