Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you. – Colossians 3:13 Mother Teresa lived by a set of paradoxical commandments referred to as Do It Anyway. Nine rules of life and wisdom to live by. It has been said that she wrote them down on the wall of her bedroom so that she would be constantly reminded of those commandments.
These words of wisdom have captivated me for several years. I went through a very rough season not too long ago in which I was subjected to some cruel, selfish, and difficult individuals. I would cling to these commandments and an associated verse to help me from becoming entrenched with bitterness and unforgiveness. Over the next nine to ten weeks, I will be focusing on these commandments for Medication Monday. I hope you will join me as I break them down and try to live them out each week. Commandment 1)- People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
We all fall prey to being self-absorbed, selfish, and difficult when we want to get our way. As soon as someone steps in the way of you getting what you desire, ugliness can ensure. It’s easy to get angry and frustrated. For me, it’s easy to wallow in self-pity. Only in hind-sight do I see that in most instances, not getting my way actually worked in my favor. When I was hit by that realization, I would be filled with guilt and regret. On the flip side, when I was preventing someone else from getting what they desired, I would find myself getting annoyed at them. Often this frustration led to losing my temper and lashing out. Those that were hurt the most by my attitude were those that I loved. My family would get the brunt of my selfishness and unforgiveness. I would give a long leash of forgiveness to friends and strangers but not to my husband or child.
It took lots of introspection, hard work, and working with a spiritual director to help me learn to deflect the bad behavior that was being heaped on me so that I could handle my own difficulties with patience, kindness, and an attitude of forgiveness. I found the more I practiced forgiveness with those that acted unreasonable and caused me heartache due to their self-centeredness, the freer I felt inside. I wasn’t losing my patience as easily. I was kinder to my loved ones. And, most importantly I wasn’t carrying such a heavy load of guilt because of my own bad behavior.
If you are finding yourself wrestling with unforgiveness because of someone’s selfish and unreasonable behavior, here are some tips to try:
Practice Contemplation- Specifically practice contemplation on a Bible verse regarding forgiveness (such as the one at the top). You can use the Lectio Divina model to help you dig deeper into the verse and put that verse into practice in your own life. I have also attached a link at the bottom where you can grab a worksheet that I created to practice scripture contemplation.
Grounding Techniques- This technique allows you to get in touch with your five senses, which in turn will reduce anxiety and stress. When you turn your thoughts inward and focus on what your body is experiencing in an environment, instead of on the stressor, your mind and then your body will quickly start to relax. Here is an example of the 5-4-3-2-1 technique:
5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.
4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your hair, a pillow, or the ground under your feet.
3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. This could be any external sound. If you can hear your belly rumbling that counts! Focus on things you can hear outside of your body.
2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. Maybe you are in your office and smell pencil, or maybe you are in your bedroom and smell a pillow. If you need to take a brief walk to find a scent you could smell soap in your bathroom, or nature outside.
1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste. What does the inside of your mouth taste like—gum, coffee, or the sandwich from lunch?
Imagining– This technique is when you are able to imagine a different outcome to the current situation you are facing, or you are able to attribute that individual in a role that would allow you look at them with empathy. If you are dealing with a person that is being hateful, angry, or difficult, imagine that person calming down, getting their needs met, and is having a better day. What would that person look like? Or, if this person is say, a mother, and you are a mother, try to make a connection in the role of being a mother. Remind them of their strengths in that role. Talk to them about your similarities in that role. Often, just by making a connection, we are able to change negative behaviors around.
People who like to cause chaos, get their way, or are just downright hard to deal with can cause great frustration and anger on our part. Trying not to step into the same muddy pit that they are in can be difficult. It’s easy to ‘give it’ right back to them. The growth comes for us when we are able to stop ourselves from having our own negative reactions and stay in a place of peace and calm. It takes a lot of prayer, contemplation on scripture, and sometimes a good therapist or spiritual director.
Do you have any feedback, comments, or questions about this topic? Shoot me an email at wendy@wendycnorris.com and let’s discuss! And, don’t forget to get your free scripture worksheet below.
Click the graphic to download the contemplative prayer & meditation worksheets
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