Leadership Through Loss

When you think of a leader, who do you envision? What qualities does that individual have? What expectations do you have for them? Hopefully the person that you have in mind is that of a strong, compassionate, and fearless leader. They are someone that you look to for guidance, mentorship, and knowledge.

Leaders come from all walks of life. They come from different backgrounds, have different experiences, and hold value systems that have been ingrained into them from individuals who have led them. We look for leaders that possess the following qualities :

1. Integrity

2. Ability to delegate

3. Communication

4. Self-awareness

5. Gratitude

6. Learning agility

7. Influence

8. Empathy

9. Courage

10. Respect

We hold high expectations for people who have been put into a leadership role. And, good leaders tend to put high expectations onto themselves. It takes a lot of dedication and work to lead with such qualities, but what happens when a leader has suffered a significant loss? What does leadership look like in the face of grief?

“…my eyes are dim with grief. I call to you, Lord, every day; I spread out my hands to you.” – Psalm 88:9

When an individual is side-swiped by loss and tragedy, they often feel lost in a fog of sorrow. Decisions that used to come easily now feel almost impossible to make. Self-care goes out the window. It can be hard to throw the covers off and get out of bed. And, these are common experiences for most individuals. For those in leadership positions, especially those who lead smaller teams, they don’t have the option of taking significant time off in order to put their lives back together. Leaders have to continue to think rationally in order to make constructive decisions. They don’t have the luxury of laying in bed all day. There is no slacking on the job for them, even when navigating through loss. So, what is a leader to do when so much is expected of them? Well, let’s take a look back at that list of qualities.

1. Integrity– To have integrity means to have the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles. During a season of loss or tragedy, a leader with integrity needs to be honest with their people about the loss he or she has endured, how it has impacted them, and to ask for grace. Don’t be a leader that tries to hide their pain in order to look courageous and unaffected. Doing this will often lead to negative outcomes including bitterness and anger. Be honest with those you lead, even during your own loss.

2. Ability to delegate– Good leaders know how to delegate. It’s easy to disperse workloads during times of normalcy. When tragedy strikes, delegating can be difficult because individuals tend to want to gain some semblance of control in order to calm the chaos. This can lead to holding on to activities that need to be delegated to others on the team. During times of loss, delegating projects, work, and activity needs to be a priority, and delegating more than normal is crucial. By delegating workload, you allow yourself time to grieve and heal.

3. Communication– Communication goes hand-in-hand with integrity. Communicating your loss and your feelings about the loss allows your team members to see your integrity in its fullness. This doesn’t mean that you need to share all of the details of your struggles and emotions. You don’t have to get down to the nitty-gritty if this is uncomfortable with you, however, your team needs to see that you are human and that this loss has had an impact on you. It shows them that you need them in order to heal. It allows them the opportunity to give back to you. Communication is key. It’s often the area that individuals struggle with the most, but a good communicator will create a strong team.

1. Self-awareness– Acknowledging what you have been through, what lies ahead, and how emotions affect you is vital to sustaining your leadership role for the long-term. Type-A individuals can have a difficult time acknowledging difficult feelings. They often feel as if showing their sadness, anxiety, or fear will erode the trust of others and so they ‘suck it up’ and continue on business as usual. This can be quite damaging to the recovery process which can lead to the failure of a leader. Stuffing common emotions and reactions to loss and trauma is unhealthy to the well-being of the individual. When you name the feeling, acknowledge its presence, and allow it to linger for a bit, you will often find that you will bounce back quicker from those darker moments.

2. Gratitude– Having gratitude during times of mourning almost feels counter-intuitive. Who wants to be thankful after suffering through a devastating loss? It almost feels like a slap in the face. But, science has proven that having a grateful mindset can be tremendously healing. Gratitude and thanksgiving, even for the tiniest of things, can uplift a grieving soul.

3. Learning agility– We tend to learn from our mistakes and/or from difficult circumstances. Situations involving loss and trauma can cloud our judgment, which can lead to mistakes or even poor choices. Recognizing that this possibility exists, you can keep your eyes open and try to avoid these types of pitfalls. And, in the event that a mistake is made, turn it into a learning opportunity to make yourself a better leader.

4. Influence– The way you handle your grief can greatly influence the people that you lead. You want to influence your people in a positive and meaningful way. When you show your team honesty, integrity, and dignity during your own hard moments, the power of that can ripple through many individuals, and through generations. Some of the most impactful stories of individuals who have shown outstanding leadership have been the very ones who have modeled these actions under great duress. You don’t have to look too much farther than in our own military and front-line workers to find these individuals.

5. Empathy– Great leaders show empathy to others. Excellent leaders show empathy to themselves. We can’t be empathetic to others when we can’t give grace and mercy to ourselves, especially in the midst of loss.

6. Courage– Leadership requires great courage. They must be fearless in the face of adversity. When the going gets tough, people look to their leader for steadfastness and comfort. During loss, the leader exhibits courage by showing a certain level of vulnerability, asking for help, seeking professional support, and knowing their limits. This again loops back to open communication, honesty, and integrity. There is nothing more courageous than a leader that knows how to lead themself well.

7. Respect– Most people know the adage of ‘when you give respect, you get respect.’ For the most part, this is true, but those in leadership roles can probably name a person or two that won’t show respect to anyone, even if they are treated respectfully. This can also be true when it comes to showing respect to yourself. Respecting yourself means knowing your weaknesses and being prepared to not allow the weakness to get the better of you. Respecting yourself means taking care of yourself: body, mind, and spirit, especially during times of loss. Respecting yourself means giving yourself grace. Respecting yourself means allowing others to help you. Respecting yourself means acknowledging that even though you have been given the great task of leadership, at the end of the day, you are still a human being with hurts, heartaches, and difficulties.

“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4

Even the greatest leaders face struggles. Everyone endures loss, hardships, tragic circumstances, and unfathomable situations. None of us are exempt from the pain that this life brings. What separates out a leader from an excellent leader is how they show up and deal with these circumstances. Loss doesn’t have to topple a leader, even for a moment. Practicing these qualities on a day-to-day basis will fortify the foundation of the leader when loss hits.

#healing #loss #trauma